2024 / 2023

05/08 - not very good at blogging or keeping up with my hobbies. feels like i'm disappointing someone other than myself, but i'm not entirely sure who. God, maybe. one day my wings will spread and i will be a better, brighter person.

btw, upgrading my balcony for maximum comfort to read VNs all day outside

Oxy Cotton - Lil Wyte
Shoot It With Film - "film soup" tutorial

04/03 - sorry for sadposting (it will happen again)
no real updates other than being trapped in my own mind, body, soul, and cycle of apartment-to-work-and-back-again. bought some new books to keep me company. i think i'm doing a bit better these past couple of weeks when it comes to eating, aside from a few binge days that made me feel like human garbage.

Conduit - Russian Circles
Stretch Boot Covers Tutorial - tutorial by Vicious Cosplay

03/21 - the passage of time is slowly eroding at my sense of well-being. i need more (better) sleep

i would like to be reminded somedays that i am doing a good job, but the idea of having to rely on others for my self-worth has my stomach in knots. it's hard to be your own cheerleader when your emotions ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean.

I Used To Hate Cell Phones But Now I Hate Car Accidents - Norma Jean
FilmCow Royalty Free Sound Effects - over 4,000 sound effects for royalty free use by FilmCow

29/02 - most of my social interactions are negative or non-existant. incredibly cringey drunk messages i can never remember because i'm too shy to form a friendship without introducing drugs into the mix. always saying the wrong thing, saying something stupid, can't give myself a break. what will i ever accomplish by dwelling on the past?

i don't think i'm being dramatic, i'm just incredibly drained today. when the people around me say their life sucks and i'm the only thing that's constant or that's been added to their routine, i start to feel like maybe i'm the problem.

i'll be ok. i always find a way in the end.

The Dirge - Japanther
Дрожжевые пирожки с картошкой (в духовке) - Russian pirozhki recipe

07/02 - planned a really nice trip in July. starting to slowly feel like i deserve nice things. unsure if how i'm feeling right now is legimate, or the onset of mania. my mind is buzzing with a thousand things i want to do, with hobbies and sports i want to get back into. maybe things will be ok after all.

lord please forgive me as i've once again fallen victim to TYPE-MOON merch on Mandarake...

Wheat Kings - The Tragically Hip
Project Gutenberg's Demonology and Devil-lore by Moncure Daniel Conway - free ebook on Demonology

28/01 - slipped up a bit, slacking in most areas of my life. trying to get back on track with exercise (still hitting my step goals) and language learning. i have a tendency to shut down after work and watch videos of fat marmots getting bathed. post-work coma. doing fantastic lately on media consumption, so there's that.

i would do numbers on "Clean Tok" during my manic episodes.

Oh Oh Oh - Max B
Alyssiumbaby - personal EGL blog of Alyssium